May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
