Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Randomize
