Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
