Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize