Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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