I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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