How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
