we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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