so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
