i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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