can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
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