I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
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