My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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