i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Randomize
