I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
