PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize
