Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
