U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Randomize
