A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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