She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Randomize
