We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
