Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
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