I am in a vortex of obligation.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
