I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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