Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
