That's intense
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Randomize
