It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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