just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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