dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
