a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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