You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
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