I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
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