Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize