One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
