I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
