census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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