I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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