I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize