yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Randomize
