so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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