Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
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