I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
