Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
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