Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
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