Applied 4 a nanny job usin a Legit Site. Xplain to me how the couple I found offered me a 3some complete with 'sexy pics' of the wife blowin hubby. wtf?
obviously you're part succubus.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
