I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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