He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
