can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
