He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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