if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
