Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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