And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Randomize
