dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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