wrigley field is MILF paradise
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
FUCK WHALES
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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