the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
