I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize