Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Randomize
